I’m a jumble of emotions right now.
Anticipation. Excitement. Frustration. Joy. Anger. Discouragement. Happiness. They are all mixed together, surfacing one after the other, pretty much uncontrollably. Yay hormones.
I’m writing this a few days before my post will go up in hopes that I will be in labor or newly recovering from having a baby when it is due! We’ll see though…I’m at the point where I feel like I will never go into labor.
I should have expected this with Ava being nearly two weeks “late.” Truthfully, I did expect it throughout my pregnancy; but now that I’m in the thick of the “overdue” club (again) I feel like I’m going a bit crazy. I am not telling anyone my due date for future children, it is too stressful. Too bad we have to have due dates for something that is so variable. It is only natural that many people start to feel anxiety once the date has come and gone—is there something wrong with me? Do I have a mental block that is causing this stall? In all likelihood—No. I’m just a woman who carries my babies for a long time so they come out nice and chubby and happy. However, it’s hard not to get a little “Eeyore-y” about the whole thing.
Patience is a virtue that I am not good at practicing, and it is being tested right now! I think it is fitting that this is happening so close to the coming of the New Year. We are all waiting on this brand new chapter to start. It’s just another day on the calendar (just like a due date), but it carries so much weight—culturally, socially, and personally, among others. We have undue expectations to make some grand changes in our lives—to make a resolution to shift some significant habit from undesirable to desirable. These are often initiatives that we fail at fulfilling or forget about over time. Luckily, for the most part we don’t dwell on these “failures.” We move on. And then we do it all over again. Year after year.
Why don’t we all agree to do something different this year? Let’s lift ourselves up, let’s promise to love ourselves for how we are in some way, not for something we think we should be. You think you should go on a diet because you don’t have your ideal body? How about adopting an attitude of trying to appreciate some part of your body or personality that you really love and celebrating that? Maybe your hands are crafty, and can knit beautiful creations. Perhaps your feet carry you through the woods on a regular basis, allowing you to bask in nature and the changing seasons. Or what about your gumption and ambition to tend beautiful flowers, vegetables and animals in all weather, throughout the year? These are all pretty huge accomplishments that often go unrecognized by ourselves and even those around us. I have a feeling if we learn to celebrate that which is great and admirable in ourselves and our situations, then the other goals might fall into place with time.
That’s my “goal” for today and through the next few days–celebrate this pregnancy and enjoy these last few days as a mama of one very special toddler! I will try my darndest to focus on the beautiful life inside me that innately knows when he or she is ready to come earthside—a life that relies on millennia of evolution, not on an arbitrary date that won’t make sense to it for years! Most of all, I need to learn to surrender to this like I have surrendered to other uncontrollable situations. Even control freaks can’t control everything! It will be difficult to not fall into some irrational fears and discouragement, but I think writing this will help!
In celebration of our BEST selves–Happy New Year to you and yours!
Sending you peace and love from Alaska,
Alex, The Rural Farmgirl