The Waiting Game

 I’m a jumble of emotions right now.

Anticipation. Excitement. Frustration. Joy. Anger. Discouragement. Happiness. They are all mixed together, surfacing one after the other, pretty much uncontrollably.  Yay hormones.

A cozy Christmas Evening as a family of three.

A cozy Christmas Evening as a family of three.

I’m writing this a few days before my post will go up in hopes that I will be in labor or newly recovering from having a baby when it is due!  We’ll see though…I’m at the point where I feel like I will never go into labor. 

I should have expected this with Ava being nearly two weeks “late.”  Truthfully, I did expect it throughout my pregnancy; but now that I’m in the thick of the “overdue” club (again) I feel like I’m going a bit crazy.  I am not telling anyone my due date for future children, it is too stressful.  Too bad we have to have due dates for something that is so variable.  It is only natural that many people start to feel anxiety once the date has come and gone—is there something wrong with me?  Do I have a mental block that is causing this stall? In all likelihood—No.  I’m just a woman who carries my babies for a long time so they come out nice and chubby and happy.  However, it’s hard not to get a little “Eeyore-y” about the whole thing.

A Solstice Evening skate!  Ava loved it, even though she was wearing boots.

A Solstice Evening skate! Ava loved it, even though she was wearing boots.

Evan and my mother had to help me put on skates because my belly is in the way.  Skating did not induce labor, but it was fun!

Evan and my mother had to help me put on skates because my belly is in the way. Skating did not induce labor, but it was fun!

Patience is a virtue that I am not good at practicing, and it is being tested right now!  I think it is fitting that this is happening so close to the coming of the New Year.  We are all waiting on this brand new chapter to start.  It’s just another day on the calendar (just like a due date), but it carries so much weight—culturally, socially, and personally, among others.  We have undue expectations to make some grand changes in our lives—to make a resolution to shift some significant habit from undesirable to desirable. These are often initiatives that we fail at fulfilling or forget about over time.  Luckily, for the most part we don’t dwell on these “failures.”  We move on.  And then we do it all over again. Year after year.

Zoo lights outing with friends!

Trying to stay busy while I wait…and wait…Zoo Lights outing with friends!

I call this one "Toddlers in Blue"

I call this one “Toddlers in Blue”

Why don’t we all agree to do something different this year?  Let’s lift ourselves up, let’s promise to love ourselves for how we are in some way, not for something we think we should be.  You think you should go on a diet because you don’t have your ideal body? How about adopting an attitude of trying to appreciate some part of your body or personality that you really love and celebrating that?  Maybe your hands are crafty, and can knit beautiful creations.  Perhaps your feet carry you through the woods on a regular basis, allowing you to bask in nature and the changing seasons.  Or what about your gumption and ambition to tend beautiful flowers, vegetables and animals in all weather, throughout the year?  These are all pretty huge accomplishments that often go unrecognized by ourselves and even those around us.  I have a feeling if we learn to celebrate that which is great and admirable in ourselves and our situations, then the other goals might fall into place with time. 

Our Charlie Brown Tree!  It is perfect and I love it.

Our Charlie Brown Tree! It is perfect, and I love it.

That’s my “goal” for today and through the next few days–celebrate this pregnancy and enjoy these last few days as a mama of one very special toddler!  I will try my darndest to focus on the beautiful life inside me that innately knows when he or she is ready to come earthside—a life that relies on millennia of evolution, not on an arbitrary date that won’t make sense to it for years!  Most of all, I need to learn to surrender to this like I have surrendered to other uncontrollable situations.  Even control freaks can’t control everything!  It will be difficult to not fall into some irrational fears and discouragement, but I think writing this will help!

In celebration of our BEST selves–Happy New Year to you and yours!

Sending you peace and love from Alaska,

Alex, The Rural Farmgirl

Leave a comment 19 Comments

  1. Barbara says:

    What a wonderful and hopeful post you have written. It has given me positives to think about as the new year comes sliding in. I have enjoyed your posts all year long and look forward to them in 2016. Blessings on your and your family and may you all be happy, healthy and loved in the New Year.

    • Alexandra Wilson says:

      Thanks, Barbara! I can’t wait to write more in the coming year. It’s hard to believe that 2016 is TOMORROW! Whoa!

  2. Dori Troutman says:

    Oh Alex. I loved this post so much. Do you know that it made me cry? Your writing does that to me sometimes… gets me right in the heart strings. I too was late with my babies. And luckily I had a doctor that did not insist on induction as I really did want to have them naturally. My daughter was exactly 16 days late and yes… I wish NO ONE had known my due date. It was miserable every time the phone rang. I finally started answering it like this: “No baby, no labor, no contractions”! :-) I’m glad you are the kind of girl that has the courage to just hang in there! That precious little one will be happy and yes, chubby and healthy! The best kind! The warmest hugs to you my Farmgirl friend!

    – Dori, the Ranch Farmgirl –

    P.S. And thank you for those profound words – exactly what I’ve been thinking myself. “Love ourselves for how we are in some way, not for how we think we should be”. xoxo

    • Alexandra Wilson says:

      Oh, Dori! Thank you for writing this. I’m still at home…no baby, no labor, continuous unproductive contractions. I know I will at least be able to go two weeks “over” without pressure to induce, so that’s a relief. And I know I don’t have to say yes to anything I don’t want to! I’m considering handing my phone and Facebook privileges over to my mom and Evan because it’s all driving me bonkers! I’m sorry I made you cry, but also flattered. Thank you for your words of encouragement and solidarity!! You have lots to love about YOU!

  3. Lynn Lind says:

    Have you noticed there’s no tinsel anywhere? Did the gov’t outlaw tinsel for some weird reason — like, babies can eat it and it makes them sick? That’s basically what happened to D-con…

    • Alexandra Wilson says:

      Ummmm….I don’t know? I’ve seen some tinsel, we have a cheesy tinsel garland and I heard a fluff story on NPR about tinsel crafts like purses and bracelets on Etsy. I haven’t seen the old school loose tinsel for a long time, though. Growing up we had some that was my great grandma’s and we would save it year after year. I wonder if it’s still around?

      • Lynn Lind says:

        P.S. — Love your Charlie Brown Christmas tree! AND a story about my mom… She wouldn’t tell anyone she was pregnant because that meant a little less time she had to put with all the pregnancy jokes, remarks and comments everywhere she went!!! So she started dreading the moment she conceived… which in my case was 10 days after they got married… which just added to the comments, remarks and …. speculations back in 1950!!! Hang in there!

  4. The baby will come when the baby is fully cooked. :) I was always overdue, and I think it’s pretty common. But the waiting is hard. So very hard!

  5. Joan says:

    Love your post!!! pic’s and the thought that we all need to care about ourselves – JUST THE WAY WE ARE!!! We each have great qualities so why dwell on the bad – only perceived qualities. Now if the little one has not made an appearance – try to enjoy the time – I’ve been there and I know that that is very hard to do but you can do it. God bless.

  6. Judy Coleman says:

    Hello Alex,
    I so loved the part of your post about lifting ourselves up this new year and really celebrating the great things we already are and things we have!! Crafty hands, feet that carry us through the woods, the ability and desire to work in gardens in all weather!! Excellent thoughts coming out of your hormone induced state!! :) Can’t wait to hear about that baby ….all in good time…no pressure!!!
    Judy from upstate NY

  7. Meredith Williams says:

    Alexandra, my new year resolution is to live each day without worrying about tomorrow. Our daughter is 16, and she will be going off to college in two years! We are at the opposite end of parenting a child as you are, and my advice to you is to cherish each day with your children, no matter what, because you will get from where you are, to where we are, in a flash! Honestly, it goes by so fast, one day you will look up and realize how much time has passed and it will literally shock you. So ENJOY those babies! Much love and best wishes for a healthy delivery!

  8. Deb Bosworth says:

    Howdy Alex,

    I can relate to your feelings of impatience. I was over-due with our daughter ( she was our second) and I didn’t expect that because our first( our son) was two weeks early. As I read your post I remember being curt with my co-workers who would call me daily at home after I went on maternity leave weeks before my due date. They forgave me of-course and your loved ones will too. I love what you said about being ” good” with who we are and not setting ourselves up for trying to make huge changes then feeling like failure when we don’t accomplish everything we said we would in the face of a new year. I just want to stay in the flow of the river of my life. I like where it’s taking me these days! 😉 Can’t wait to meet your new little one… Next time, for sure!

    Hugs and huge blessings for a quick and safe birth!

    Deb ( Beach Farmgirl )

  9. Phyllis Parrish says:

    I enjoyed your post very much. I’m new here, but couldn’t not reply. I agree with your thoughts for a more forgiving voice for ourselves. I wish you and your’ s a safe and Happy New Year. I pray for a safe delivery for both you and baby.

  10. Marilyn Collins says:

    Wishing you and yours a Happy,Healthy New Year full of blessings. Look forward to your next post and hopefully the baby will have arrived. Take care and wishing you all the best in 2016. Ava is adorable. I love your Charlie brown tree!
    Marilyn and family

  11. Carol says:

    I enjoyed this post and I hope that you have a newborn that you are enjoying.

  12. Denise Ross says:

    Wonderful uplifting post, Alex. Loving the focus you put on loving the you/me not as we think we should be, but as we are now. Love it! I’ve written this out so I will remover these words. Hoping all goes well for you and your bubs birth. Merry Christmas and happy new year. May you and your family be deeply blessed in 2016
    Hugs from Australia

  13. Pingback: Momma Cow… Where Is Your Calf? | Farmgirl Bloggers

  14. Susana says:

    You scared me when I read you were going to put on skates….while pregnant! Girl are you crazy? What if you fell…golly i hope you didnt!

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