[Previous Rural Farmgirl, April 2009 – May 2010]
This past week I have been faced with a lot of it…change, that is. The seasons are changing. I see evidence of it daily, with the nights arriving earlier and earlier and the coolness in the morning air. I even changed my hair, getting rid of my blonde streaks and adjusting to a darker color again. I have noticed the leaves changing on the tree outside my home office, and the grape leaves are changing color on the vines. I even changed some of the clothes in my closet, getting rid of some summer things and unpacking and washing some of my fall things. I have also been looking at my office and thinking of all the changes I anticipate making to it this fall and winter.
In my contemplation of changing my office, I retired an old “dream board” that I had nailed to the wall. However, before tearing it all down, I spent a lot of time with it, acknowledging the things that had come to fruition during some major life changes in the last couple of years. Most of the change has been GREAT. Career-wise I am much happier, and I feel like I am on the chosen path, striking a balance between using my creative side and my administrative side, something I never really was able to do before now. I have also made a conscious choice to change the way I view life, love, and people. My new outlook has resulted in a much happier me.
Change does not intimidate me like, it does some people. I am very aware that I am always evolving. I often wish that I would just stand still for a while and be content for a minute. Then I remind myself that does not really seem to be who I am. I am contently discontent. I find that I am always looking for a new challenge, a new personal goal, trying to find my personal best and to stretch myself just enough so I’m not ever truly comfortable. I have yet to decide if that is good or bad. One thing is for sure, because I am the way that I am, I have never really “mastered” any one thing. The up side is that I feel very well versed in many things, a “Jackie of all trades, master of none” if you will.
I have decided that one of my new dreams is be to master something. I have in mind what I think that something will be, but I am afraid to say it aloud…just in case. I know that is really, silly. I am sure that it is in the acknowledgment of the goals that they become reality. So okay, here I go. There are three changes that I want to see become reality in my life. I want to write a book and have it published. I want to start a little side business and stick with it. In addition, I would like to be successful at getting the extra weight off.
All three of these things I have thought about, re-thought about and thought about again, until I am literally sick of thinking about them. I have not quite figured out why I am stuck. I suppose it is the same excuses most of us use when we are too chicken to see things through; money, time, and money. Yes, I know I said money twice. Sure, they are valid reasons, yet I have watched other people achieve bigger dreams and goals with less. So I have to ask myself, what is it really?
It is easy to get comfortable in the daily ruts, telling myself I will achieve more tomorrow. Then I find myself five years down the road, shocked that I have wished away hundreds of tomorrows as if I have an endless supply of them. I cannot use the excuse that I do not know what to do. While I may not have the answer as to how I can make these dreams happen, I do know enough to get myself off the ground. I have read ever diet theory out there, yet did not sweat with the oldies or “get with the program” with Oprah. The writers and editors that surround me are always generous with their knowledge, and my little side business…a no-brainer. I have even done the business plan and know the product and the name. Therefore, here I stand, left with the ever-nagging question: WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. I have to chuckle because even as I write this, I can hear my girlfriend Linda saying, “What is wrong with you, girl?” Linda is my girlfriend who is a Jackie of all trades AND a master of all trades, too. The woman is amazing…but that is another story for another time.
Marianne Williamson has a famous quote that has been haunting me lately. “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.” I hate to think that she is right, but it stays with me…haunts me….
I read a darling little book called “The Dream Giver” a few years ago. In it, the author Bruce Wilkinson tells the story of a character named Ordinary. Ordinary lived in the Land of Familiar and every time that Ordinary tried to leave the Land of Familiar, he encountered a border bully. Some of the bullies were well intentioned; others were motivated by of their own fears and jealousy. I recently re-read this book and it made me think. For someone who says I am not so afraid of change, I sure seem to be avoiding it.
Maybe it is simply, not wanting to deal with the border bullies, those people who do not want me leaving them behind in the Land of Familiar. Maybe it is as easy as instinctively I know that I am powerful beyond measure, and it is that knowledge that terrifies me.
I grew up singing and taught my kids to sing a little childhood song. It has captivated me lately, and I have felt challenged by its simple but not easy truth. The song goes: “This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine. This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine, this little light of mine, I’m going to let it shine, let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.”
I have come to the awareness that change is inevitable. It happens with our involvement or without it. We can be leading it, or we can be dragged kicking and screaming behind it. Either way change wins.